It's a Wonderful Life…

…isn't it…?

Sunday Morning Chuckle Vision May 6, 2012

As I may have mentioned before my boyfriend has a penchant for staring at another man’s lycra clad behind. Last weekend, like many other weekends was rudely interrupted by the pair of them spending Sunday at a cycling event. Do hold your “where’s the harm in that? What an unreasonable girlfriend” until I’ve explained my issue with this. My main concern is not that I don’t get to see him or that I’m concerned by the love of a man’s lycra clad bottom: no I’m more concerned with the fact that this morning I was roused from a rather lovely Saturday night – don’t have to be up in the morinignsnoze. At six. A.m. Yes that’s correct: SIX A.M on a SUNDAY. For those of you that know me well you will understand what this means. I am a snarly, fire breathing dragon when awoken from my beauty sleep. His cycling buddy made the error of saying something about my looking less than impressed to be awake. I believe my mumbled “good morning” (social niceties, pah!) quite possibly came out more like the guttural snarl one would expect from a very.Hacked. Off. animal.

I didn’t run off to my own bed for further slumber though dear readers because what I saw next had to be observed until the bitter end. Two lycra clad men (I think they think they are ninjas/power rangers) both scratching their heads and detaching various parts of bike turning them every which direction and both trying to be the most expert “NO, I’ve done this before you know, I know what I’m doing”. Nothing like a bit of a Chuckle Brothers re-enactment to make loss of sleep bearable: “to me…to you” between the boot and the back seat, I was desperately hoping one would let go and fall flat on their lycra clad behind.  Eventually they were off after a good deal of pushing and shoving.

So now, would you like to play guess the number of puncture readers?

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Lego Monster March 28, 2012

I have created a Lego Monster, dear readers. This is only made worse by the realisation that my blog category “Lego” and “Addictions” is only getting bigger by the day. As those of you who have read “My Boyfriend is Addicted to Lego Shopping” will know, his new found obsession with Lego started off as a well meaning attempt to put some of the child like sparkle back into Christmas for him. Unfortunately I didn’t really foresee the long term effects of this: not only have I caused my twenty six year old boyfriend to regress back to playing with Lego, but I’ve caused his twenty three and twenty one year old brothers to go the same way. Now I wish to make it clear that I never intended for the two of them to be similarly effected.

Last night, following the incident of the Altercation with the Dustbin, the boyfriend kindly picked me up from work and presented me with a carrier bag full of lovely posh chocolate. My immediate response was to proclaim this to be a reward for being ridiculous and I should continue driving my car as if it were a bumper car at the funfair. Shortly after this I surmised it was in fact a (very well aimed) ruse. A deflection if you will, from what the three muskateers had been up to all day. I knew there had been some talk about going shopping while I was at work and visiting the Lego Shop (a.k.a Mecca – not to be confused with Meccano which, apparently, is “TOTALLY different from Legos, duh”).

The three, grown men, had gone and whiled away the hours at the Lego shop. They managed to frighten away any child that so much as glanced at their coveted treasures and, after maiming several children, left the shop with six different Lego sets between them. Yes, SIX. My boyfriend had desired one of these sets for quite some time (having researched all the other possible sets he could add to his ever expanding Lego Collection: “But I am just getting next month’s Lego allowance early”?!?!) and had chosen the biggest one they had in the store: “NO, there are other bigger ones….”

My Dad pointed out to me earlier that it would actually be fairly easy to maintain order in a relationship where my partner had regressed so far as all I needed to do was threaten to take his toys away if he didn’t do as he was told. This was especially appropriate as I had already done this the previous evening when the conversation steered back towards the incident of the Altercation with the Dustbin and I threatened to take away and hide a vital component of his new Lego if he persisted. His response: “Oh no! Don’t take away the battery pack!” Sorry did you just say “battery pack”? Apparently his amazing super duper wow new Lego has a battery pack included: “It doesn’t drive or anything but the windows and doors open”.

As I sighed and looked around for a sane person in the room

The Boys and Their Toys...

The Boys and Their Toys…

I found that all had gone silent. It was, in fact, the quietest the house had ever been when they were all in before which seemed eerie. Then I realised that the silence was that perfect silence of concentration. The boys were all sat on the floor with little piles of different coloured Lego all around them trying to construct theirs the fastest.

What have I done?

 

She Drove the Starship Voyager into a Dustbin…. March 25, 2012

One of the many hazards of your boyfriend being one of three brothers (as I am sure many of you will relate to) is having to a. do boy talk b. take a considerable amount of stick when you do anything remotely silly. This is incident combined me doing something absolutely absurd, boy talk and taking a considerable amount of stick.

Somehow last night myself and one of the boyfriend’s brothers got onto the highly intelligent topic of “Which would you say was better: Star Wars or Star Trek?” believe it or not I actually did take a few minutes before I gave my answer which I was told was fairly controversial (ooookkkaaayyy) I was then asked which Captain of the space ship in Star Trek I had though was the best again I gave a fairly educated answer (it’s no longer such a well kept secret that I am, secretly, a bit of a geek at heart).

My boyfriend then joined in the conversation by proclaiming Captain Janeway to have been his favourite (the first female captain of the space ship). I was already suspicious as to his choice when this led into reasoning as to why it had taken so long to get a female captain: women drivers. Ah, now I saw where this was going, let me guess she drove the ship into a dustbin in outer space? Some jabber ensued about women being careless drivers and having no sense of direction etcetera: “in the first episode she gets lost, like, hundreds of light years away”. Yes, hilarious, I am sure you will agree dear readers.

I have spent two days taking stick for the fact that, a couple of nights ago; I smashed my own car window. On my own driveway. By driving into our dustbin. As my Father very kindly pointed out to me “that bin has been in the same place for the past four years and no one else has ever bashed it” a fact I am very much aware of, thank you. I didn’t actually think I had broken it at first and I didn’t actually drive into it especially hard but I caught the corner of the bin lid on my rear window, heard a pop, tried to get off of the bin, got stuck and then heard the tinkling. Excellent. No primal screaming or beating of fists or head on steering wheel took place at this stage…Well not much at least.

I described this scenario and the twinkling of little bits of broken glass to my boyfriend when he came round to point and laugh at what I had done. To my own car. He kindly pointed out that I could envisage the tinkling as being a bit like “a fairy sound” (knowing I like fairies and was very distressed about being stupid enough to smash my own car window. On my own driveway. On a dustbin). Oh yes, the sound of tinkling broken bits of my rear window is exactly akin to fairy dust, darling. I was not snarling and did not have steam coming out of my ears at this point.

How many times do you think, readers, I will be subjected to conversations coming back to “dustbin” over the oncoming weeks/months/years?

 

My Boyfriend Has Renamed Me Jim February 19, 2012

This is because after spending a day in my Mother’s company I am at the stage where I struggle to remember my own name. I was in the middle of a sentence which I stopped abruptly and couldn’t remember where I was going with it (a Mother favourite). He prompted me to continue but I couldn’t and told him so and that, really, I wasn’t even sure I could remember my own name at present: “Jim” was what he called me.

I regularly inform my Mother that she has “early onset” although she has told me I need to stop saying it in case someone takes offence. Incidentally, last week when I was talking to someone at work about my Mum’s inability to retain information for more than 3 minutes, they did actually point out to be that Alzheimer’s isn’t funny and I shouldn’t joke about things like that: “I’m not joking, she really does have early onset” ok I probably didn’t respond in the most adult manner but I have a VERY warped sense of humour (which they really should know by now) which led to me informing my Mum that someone with Alzheimer’s wouldn’t actually mind and get all PC about it, because within a few minutes of my saying it they would have forgotten anyway.( I am in no way to be considered to be mocking Alzheimer’s or Dementia: I realise more needs to be done to raise awareness of these issues) I just, quite literally, am the kind of person that would laugh at a funeral – I REALLY have done that. I would say ask my Mum to back me up on that one but, well, she probably doesn’t remember. Memory loss isn’t really a joke. Because it’s coming my way: I take after my Mother in a whole lot of ways. That’s why when I remind her that I will be choosing her nursing home and she responds that its okay because she is going to come over and wee on my furniture I am not at all concerned: I wont remember this agreement or even that she wee’d on my sofa.

We drove to somewhere my Mum had never seen before today and pulled into the car park “Oh, is this it? I don’t like it. It looks like somewhere you might dump a dead body” my response to this? “Mother, if I was confident in my ability to drive any car back home safely, let alone yours, I would be seriously considering testing that dead body theory…[long pause]…sorry what was I saying?”

 

My Boyfriend Thinks I’m Fat February 5, 2012

I should eat more healthily, I should exercise; he’ll even buy me running shoes. Shocking, right? I’m kidding really, I mean, he does want to buy me running shoes but he doesn’t think I’m fat… just lazy. If he really thought I was fat I would consider that he had some sort of sub group of body dysmorphic disorder as I am a size 6. See he’s very fit and very much into dressing up in lycra and staring at another man’s lycra clad behind. Yes, he somehow manages to cycle something ridiculous like 60-100 odd miles every Sunday (the hero). Therefore me proclaiming my job to be very physical and spending my spare time hibernating under my duvet sounds an awful lot to him like lazy.

Irrespective of his views I had determined this would be the year I got fit. So I’ve looked at all the fitness options: cycling=perilous to my life, dancing=perilous to anyone around me, tennis=perilous to my bank balance and decided that perhaps I should start with a little bit of light jogging. So light, in fact, that the first jog I did was no further than to the end of my road and back again, well I had a nose bleed. Since my first jog I’ve invested in a few essentials in a bid to try and extend my staying power, most notably: a couple of sports bras. Ah, the sports bra, quite the creation. There’s a reason women are so keen to invest in these beauties. They are just so flattering. Oh um, actually I mean flattening. And really, what’s with the whole 1 set of clasps yank it over your head design?! I tried one on to check it fitted okay then found it a real struggle to get it off.  There was so much wriggling and struggling to get out of the blasted thing that I had to have a little rest on my bed. I very nearly ended up living out my days in a very attractive sports bra – well not quite in, more rolled up under my armpits unable to hoist it up any higher. I text the boyfriend to tell him about it and told him it was clearly created by a man. His response?

“You can’t be serious that you think men invented bras. What man would want to cover up boobies?!”