It's a Wonderful Life…

…isn't it…?

Oh For The Love of…CAKE!!! March 7, 2012

“I love cake” proclaims my Mum, “Yes Mother I know” I sigh, “No, you don’t understand I REALLY LOVE CAKE” she mumbles. She’s mumbling because she’s trying not to drop crumbs down herself and that’s kind of the give away that she has a bit of a love thing for cake: “from the jam stain on your t-shirt should I presume that’s a Victoria Sponge Cake?” I enquire. Her answer: “Nope, S’gone”.

My Mother is NOT a role model for healthy living. Her penchant for cake goes so far that she nearly screamed the house down when she saw that a chocolate gateaux required two hours defrosting time: “TWO HOURS?! I can’t wait two hours” she pauses for breath, “WAIT… it say’s if you slice it, it takes FOURTY FIVE minutes less…RESULT.” The madwoman then proceeds to the shed to fetch a chainsaw (ok not exactly a chainsaw but at that angle the carving knife was easily mistaken for one) “If I slice it into LOTS of pieces it’ll defrost EVEN quicker.” This statement is then followed by a manic evil scientist hatching a master plan of world domination style cackle: “Mwahahahahaha…CAAAAKKKEE!”

Ten minutes later:

Mother is literally watching gateaux defrost: “Do you think if I blow on it, it will defrost quicker?”

Two minutes later:

“Oh, sod it; I’ll just eat it frozen. Who needs teeth anyway?!”

 

An “Experimental Cook”…Bit like Heston…. February 22, 2012

Filed under: Being unfit — leatierney @ 9:19 pm
Tags: ,

In school I was forced to partake in Food Technology which was a course that was aimed at helping us to survive in the big bad world. Unfortunately I failed miserably to grasp most basic cooking principles and everything I made was inedible. Ah, that was if I remembered to bring in the ingredients needed, of course. There was a sigh of relief from the staff teaching this discipline when I was no longer required to make my brave attempts at culinary creation and a general vague hope that I might grow out of my ineptitude in the kitchen. No such luck. In fact; everything that I attempt to make is suffixed with “experiment”. This isn’t helped by the fact that I am now attempting to create edible delights using Gluten Free products which don’t behave in the same way (although somehow when I’m cooking the they do produce the same results…?).

Therefore we have the “Lasagne Experiment”, the “Ratatouille Experiment” and the “Truffle Experiment” to name but a few. The lasagne sheets were still rock solid after the required cooking time provided on the box and not even a chainsaw could cut through the top most layers: my version of “Al Dente” requires the risk of losing/breaking teeth. The “Ratatouille” quite literally looked like something the rat dragged in. And the truffles? Ah, the truffles were a masterpiece. A testament to my destiny to NEVER be a housewife. The truffle recipe I found sounded really straightforward and simple (ideal for me) with few ingredients. White Chocolate and Raspberry Liqueur Truffles. Yum. I figured they would make a lovely “Merry Christmas” for the rest of the team at work without costing me too much money. I followed the recipe to the letter except for doubling all the quantities and unlike my previous experiments I didn’t even make any little substitutions with the ingredients. To. The. Letter. What did I end up with after 48 hours of leaving the mixture to set? Melted White Chocolate with a splash of Raspberry Liqueur. Grand. So my Christmas present to my team ended up costing quite a bit: I surrendered my dignity in the name of comedy and took pictures of what it should have looked like and my inedible creation, posted them on the notice board with a message reading:

“Here’s what you COULD have had for Christmas if I wasn’t such a moron when it comes to domestic duties…Here’s how it came out…Merry Christmas”

Fortunately I was able to seek solace in the remnants (whole bottle) of the Raspberry Liqueur. *Hiccup*. If you ever want someone to help out in the kitchen I would recommend not calling me!